Artie and the Grime Wave Read online

  ‘Alright!’ she cried. ‘Thanks, team! You can de-pyramid now!’

  ‘WAIT! MUM!!!’ yelled Artie.

  In a flash, he too was scrabbling up over the now-leaning-tower-of-Bumshoes. He dragged himself up to sit beside his mother.

  ‘Alright,’ Artie called. ‘Now you can de-pyramid!’

  Instantly, the tower of brothers and sisters began to collapse, giggling and yelping. Artie stared straight ahead to avoid the sick feeling at being suspended so far up in the air.

  He allowed himself a glance at the two guards but they were still so busy picking needles off each other that they had barely noticed the commotion unfolding at the gate.

  Maggie reached over and wrapped her arm around Artie’s shoulders, squeezing him.

  ‘Are you alright?’ she whispered.

  Artie nodded.

  ‘Do you know who you reminded me of just now?’

  Artie, staring at the horizon, shook his head.

  ‘Your dad,’ she said.

  ‘Really?’ exclaimed Artie, turning to her, a grin spreading over his face.

  ‘So much!’ smiled his mum.

  Despite being so far off the ground, Artie realised that he was beginning to feel quite relaxed. Way down below, the crowd looked on in worried silence.

  ‘Shall we?’ said Maggie.

  ‘Yes,’ said Artie.

  Then, grasping the rope of jumpers tightly, Maggie gently dropped from the top, and lowered herself to the ground.

  At the bottom, she looked up at her son and nodded. Artie took a deep breath. He held the jumper-rope with all his strength, wriggled carefully around and tried to lower himself. He dropped. The makeshift rope took the strain, and he swung wildly for a moment like a pendulum, his heart in his mouth. Then, his muscles straining, he began climbing down.

  As he landed safely beside his mum there was a spontaneous clap and whoop of relief from the little crowd outside the gate.

  ‘Well done, Artie!’ cried Bumshoe.

  ‘Good work! Good work!’ called Zoran.

  Maggie Small held Artie’s face in her hands, beaming.

  ‘Brave boy,’ she said. ‘Now. Let’s go!’

  Chapter 28

  Lola, Angus, Zoran, Gladys and the rest of the Bumshoes were excitedly chattering outside the gate, when over the hubbub came the sound of an engine screaming at full throttle.

  ‘LOOK OUT, KIDS!’ yelled Angus.

  Careering backwards down the driveway and coming directly towards them was Mayor Grime’s battered Rolls-Royce. It was travelling at an insane speed, with blue smoke billowing out of the engine. Rather than slowing down as it approached the gates, the car accelerated even more. The crowd leapt for their lives in all directions.

  WHOOOOOOOOOOMP!!!

  It crashed right through, destroying the entire structure and leaving broken bits and twisted metal everywhere. The unfortunate vehicle stopped in the street.

  There at the wheel was Maggie Small, with Artie goggle-eyed beside her.

  ‘Lucky someone left the keys in the ignition!’ said Maggie, with a little smile. ‘Hope I didn’t scare anyone!’

  She revved the engine and roared back through the smashed gate. Angus, dusting himself off, turned to the rest of the group. ‘Well … Now that we’ve been … erm … granted admission … all aboard, I guess.’

  Everyone clambered into the Bumshoe family bus, which lumbered through the huge gap where the gates had stood and up the hill towards Grime House.

  Meanwhile, what remained of Mayor Grime’s Rolls-Royce was speeding ahead up the driveway.

  ‘What exactly are we going to do, Mum?’ cried Artie. ‘These are really, really scary people …’

  Maggie looked at him for a brief moment, and then stomped on the brakes. The car slid sideways to a halt.

  ‘Artie,’ she said. ‘I’m so angry!’

  ‘Yeah, um, I did notice that, Mum …’

  ‘I’m really, really angry! I think, maybe, when your dad died, I needed to get angry back then, but I just got … shocked instead, and I kind of … stayed shocked, and maybe all the anger got stuck inside me and could never come out and—’

  ‘Mum,’ said Artie.

  ‘Yes, Artie?’

  ‘It’s really great having you back.’

  Maggie gave a little smile.

  ‘Seatbelt!’ she said, briskly. ‘We’ve got some more renovations to do for the Grime family …’

  Artie gulped and clipped on his belt, as Maggie thundered off. The imposing shape of Grime House loomed on the horizon.

  Rather than slowing down, however, Maggie Small, for the second time that day, seemed intent on driving into something. She began accelerating towards the house.

  As they neared the monstrous structure, Artie noticed that Mary and Funnel-web had strolled out onto the front steps to see what all the hullabaloo was about. Maggie was hurtling straight at them.

  ‘Mum,’ said Artie. ‘Mum … Mum … MUM … MUM!!!’

  Artie could see the terror in the robbers’ eyes as they parted and dived out of the way.

  Mounting the great marble steps that led up to the house, the car became airborne …

  KER-BAAAAAAAAAASH!!

  They ploughed right through the front doors and into the grand foyer, in a storm of splinters and bricks.

  There was silence all around. A puff of plasterwork slowly drifted down onto their heads as Artie and Maggie climbed out of the tangled mess that used to be the Grime family car.

  ‘Well,’ Maggie exclaimed. ‘It’s wonderful that the Mayor makes himself so available to the public. This really is democracy at work!’

  ‘Grab them! Get them! I want both of them in cages!!!’

  Artie gasped. It was the Mayor himself, who at that moment was materialising from a hallway with Mr Budgie.

  ‘YOU!’ thundered Maggie, staring him into immediate silence. ‘My son has told me all about you …’ she continued very quietly, slowly advancing on him.

  The Mayor, petrified, began to retreat.

  ‘Well, do something, you ridiculous birdcage person!’ he screeched at Mr Budgie.

  ‘Alright … I will,’ said the little man, and with that he tore the cage clean off his head and flung it away. He shrugged at Artie.

  ‘That’s better. Never liked this gang anyway,’ he said. ‘I’m going back to science teaching.’ As Mr Budgie wandered off, Mary and Funnel-web entered, limping and shaking dust off themselves.

  Maggie, still staring at the Mayor, grabbed the first useful object she could see, which happened to be a pot plant. Armed with this, she sprang at him and began whacking him over and over again.

  THWACK. ‘AAARGH!’ THWACK. ‘AAARGH!’ THWACK. ‘AAARGH!’

  The Mayor shrieked and tried to dart out of her way. But Maggie was not about to stop. As he scuttled over the debris and through the remains of the door, she was right behind him, beating his bottom mercilessly with the potted palm. They disappeared into the garden.

  Just then, Artie felt a claw-like hand clutch him at the back of the neck.

  ‘Oh. You’ll pay for this …’ whispered a voice he knew to be Funnel-web’s.

  Chapter 29

  Artie cowered, paralysed with fear. Then, ahead of him, Mary’s enraged face loomed out of the plaster-dust.

  ‘Let’s get him in one of those cages, Funnel-web,’ he breathed.

  But then the icy talon gripping Artie’s neck was suddenly torn away. The boy turned to find Zoran, who had plucked Funnel-web up by his shirt and pants and was casually holding him sideways off the ground.

  Then, using the spidery man’s head as a battering-ram, Zoran charged full-tilt towards Mary, clomping him right in his enormous belly.

  ‘OOOOOOOOOPH,’ came a strange noise from the tattooed man, like a tractor tyre exploding, as he sailed backwards into a wall.

  Zoran, who still held on to Funnel-web, turned to Artie.

  ‘Now I show you how Zoran became Ukrainian Olympic Discus Cha
mpion, 1996!’

  With that, he began to spin the hairy man around and around.

  ‘No. Stop it … Pleeeeeease. I get dreadful motion-sickness … Pleeeeeease,’ Funnel-web pleaded, to no avail.

  Spiralling at an extraordinary Ukrainian-Olympic-record-breaking speed, Zoran let go at last, and watched with Artie as Funnel-web soared through the air, and smashed right through a plate-glass window.

  ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!’

  There was a little thud in the distance, followed by a tiny, ‘Ow.’

  Artie, elated, had no doubt how Zoran had won all his medals. The huge man turned to him, beaming.

  ‘I still got it, huh? Once a Ukrainian Olympic Discus Champion, 1996, always a Ukrainian Olympic Discus Champion, 1996!’

  Zoran paused and plucked at one of his palms.

  ‘Ouch! He got prickles, that one!’

  Then the discus champion grinned and added, ‘Now I better go and rescue the Mayor from your mama!’

  He rushed out into the garden. During all of this, the entrance foyer of Grime House had been overrun by Bumshoes, who had gleefully disembarked from the bus as if they were on a school excursion. Mary gingerly picked himself up off the ground and tried to sneak out into the garden, but quickly found himself surrounded by clusters of the siblings. Every time he turned to flee, a Bumshoe would park himself on all fours behind him, and he’d trip head-first into the dust. This went on at length until finally the villain, exhausted and forlorn, decided to stay flat on the floor for safety.

  ‘AAAAARROOOOOOO!’

  A bloodcurdling howl silenced the room. Artie spun around to see the two men in sunglasses emerging from the hallway. In front of them, straining at a thick chain, was Tinkerbell.

  The fearsome animal looked even bigger than Artie recalled. He snapped and lunged towards the crowd, who recoiled in horror.

  Trails of slobber leaked from his jaws, which stretched back to reveal gigantic yellow fangs.

  ‘Ooh, look!’ cried Mary, who, with renewed confidence, was once again standing. ‘Look at Artie’s face! Someone doesn’t seem to like Tinkerbell, does he?’

  ‘Don’t hurt him!’ commanded a voice. Artie swung around to see Gladys, stepping forward. ‘You’ll only end up going to jail for longer!’ she exclaimed. ‘Don’t you see? We’re all witnesses!’

  ‘Yes, we’re all witnesses!’ It was Lola, who also stepped forward, holding her phone aloft. ‘And I’m getting all of this on film. So you better back away from my brother!’

  ‘You’re only witnesses until the moment you’re all torn to pieces by a wild dog,’ said Mary with a dry laugh.

  The two henchmen stared through their sunglasses like gargantuan insects.

  ‘AAAAAARROOOOOOOOOO!’

  The dog was pulling ever closer to Artie.

  ‘Easy, boy … Easy …’ whispered his handler, as he leaned down. Then, aiming his expressionless face at Artie, he unclipped the hound’s chain.

  ‘Now get them all,’ he growled. The hulking animal, his massive mouth wide open, lurched forward directly at Artie’s neck!

  BLAAAAAAT-BLATBLAT-PLAAARP!!!

  The hound suddenly skittered sideways. He tried to stay upright but kept slipping about in custardy goop, as a torrent of thick yellow slime was blown about the room.

  Artie, still in shock at having nearly become Tinkerbell’s chew-toy, turned in bewilderment.

  There, in the wreckage of the doorway, was Aunty-boy with her Super-Snotter!

  Chapter 30

  The old lady was wearing the canister of the machine strapped to her back, and was hopping around, thrusting her dentures out, and waggling the nozzle of the Super-Snotter as if she was putting out a house fire.

  ‘Oooh, yes, I’m very happy with that!’ she warbled. ‘Yes, that’s working much better than the early trials.’

  To cries of delight from the Bumshoe family, she focused the stream onto Mary and the men in sunglasses as they tried to run away. They splashed, slipped and crawled about in the snotty mire.

  Artie observed that on contact with air, the disgusting substance quickly thickened up, becoming more like really nasty flu-snot than watery hayfever-snot. He and Gladys noticed a pool of it slowly oozing towards their feet, and climbed the stairs to escape it.

  ‘Artie!’ bellowed Bumshoe. ‘We’ve gotta get a couple of these things!’

  Catching eyes with his friend, Artie burst out laughing and for the first time since stumbling onto the cave of stolen stuff, he began to believe that things might actually, incredibly, turn out alright.

  The room was a scene of mayhem, as the Bumshoes urged Aunty-boy on and yelled when Mary, Tinkerbell, or the men in sunglasses were struggling free, at which point Aunty-boy would take aim and give them a fresh squirt of the mucus-y gunk.

  Gradually, the entire gang became completely stuck, wriggling in the viscous ooze until they were utterly immobilised. Macaroni, who had been waiting at his mistress’s feet, began scampering around the edges of the giant snot puddle, nipping at any stray limb that made the mistake of popping out. Artie and Gladys climbed higher up the stairs to get a perfect view of the crazy scene below.

  At that moment Maggie and Zoran arrived back at the entrance. Maggie was breathless from her work spanking Mayor Grime around the garden.

  ‘Wow!’ cried Zoran. ‘I don’t know how sorry Mr Mayor is for being bad. But I think Mr Mayor’s bottom is very, very sorry!’

  ‘Pheeeew!’ panted Maggie, and grabbing hold of Lola, squeezed her daughter tight. ‘I’m loving all this exercise! Have I missed anything?’

  ‘Um … well …’ said Lola. ‘I’m not sure where to begin. I can show you a video if you like!’

  At this moment, Artie thought he felt something grasp his ankle, but ignored it, distracted by the hilarious spectacle of the snot-covered criminals. Then, suddenly, his world was turned upside-down.

  ‘OIII!!!’ came a voice like a jackhammer.

  The entire room looked up to see Mrs Grime standing on a landing at the top of the staircase, looming above the entrance foyer. Beside her stood Nate, who surveyed the scene below with undisguised contempt.

  ‘NOW, THAT GOT YER ATTENTION!’ smiled the musclebound ogress.

  With superhuman strength, she was holding Artie and Gladys by the ankles, dangling them upside down over the edge of the balcony.

  Chapter 31

  ‘Honestly!’ whined Mrs Grime. ‘I’m sick to death of this! If I want any job done properly around this place it’s always down to me!’

  Maggie stood staring, holding her breath. Zoran, who was usually so courageous, was as white as paper. Nobody moved in case the terrible woman suddenly let go and sent Artie and Gladys plummeting to their deaths.

  Artie, upside down and face-to-face with Gladys, tried to console the stricken girl. ‘Gladys! It’s going to be okay!’ he whispered, although in truth he had no idea of how it would be okay.

  In an instant, Aunty-boy swung the nozzle of the Super-Snotter straight up at Mrs Grime, and was reaching for the trigger.

  ‘Don’t even think about it, crazy lady!’ the woman roared at Aunty-boy.

  ‘Take that machine off and chuck it away, or these kids find out all about gravity … the hard way!’

  Nate, beside her, burst into wild laughter.

  ‘Natey-poo, go down and get that thing off her, will you, darling?’

  The boy, still cackling, scampered all the way down the stairs, through the silent crowd, and wrenched the Super-Snotter out of Aunty-boy’s hands, giving the old lady a nasty shove for good measure. Aunty-boy toppled backwards, barely managing to stay upright. Macaroni bared his teeth and leapt at the boy. ‘Statue!’ ordered Aunty-boy, and the dog immediately lay down, glowering at Nate, who strapped the canister of the Super-Snotter onto his back.

  ‘Now! All of yez! Get out of my house! Go on! Get! Or these kids’ heads are going to look like pancakes!!!’

  ‘Please … Please don’t hurt them!’ said Maggi
e.

  ‘Don’t drop them!! Please, lady! Don’t hurt them!!’ implored Zoran.

  ‘Please-don’t-drop-them! Nya-nya-nya-nya!’ mimicked Mrs Grime. ‘Go on, I told yez! Get out!’ she continued. ‘WHOOOOOOOOA!!!’ For a moment she pretended to let Artie slip. ‘Almost dropped him! Hahaha! Should have seen your faces!!!’ She roared with laughter, joined by Nate, who was now parading through the crowd below threatening everybody with the Super-Snotter. Suddenly Mrs Grime became deadly serious.

  ‘That’s yer last warning. I’m gonna count to three. ONE! TWO!—’

  ‘What can we do?’ whispered Gladys frantically.

  ‘We can step into the unknown,’ Artie replied.

  ‘I don’t know what you mean!’

  ‘Nor do I. Yet,’ said Artie.

  Way below them, Maggie Small was desperate.

  ‘What kind of mother are you?’ she implored.

  ‘Me?’ squawked Mrs Grime. ‘What kind of mother are you? Oh, yes, Natey’s told me all about you … Locked away for years, lying around in yer jimjams doing nothin’!’

  ‘Yeah!’ snarled Nate. ‘You just lie around all day! And that’s why you live in such a dump!’ he added, his microscopic eyes glinting with pleasure as he waggled the nozzle of the Super-Snotter in Maggie’s face.

  ‘Yes! It’s true!’ said Maggie Small, pushing the nozzle away. ‘It’s true! I’ve been a terrible mother, and I’ll never forgive myself …’

  ‘No you haven’t, Mum,’ called Artie, as he dangled above. ‘You’re a great mum!’

  ‘I’m not! I haven’t been!’ said Maggie, her eyes brimming with tears. ‘I got lost somewhere … But I’ll make it up to you, Artie. Promise!’

  ‘Nothing to make up, Mum!’ replied Artie. ‘All good, really!’

  ‘WELL! I’m sorry to butt in on your little fairytale ending, guys, but my arms are getting a bit TIRED!!!’ screeched the bulging harpy. Artie’s mind was racing. Surely he hadn’t survived all these crazy adventures only to be dropped on his head by a psycho muscle-lady! But he could see no solution. He could see nothing … nothing, except … his dad’s pendant, which at that moment dangled down, right in front of his nose. Trapeze artists, one swinging from the other’s arms …Step into the unknown! he thought. In one movement, he slipped the necklace over his head, and with an almighty jerk, he flicked himself up.